“You don’t look that old. How old are you?” I have been asked different versions of this question many times. Just one example of the invasion of my private life.
My answer is always the same. “Thank you for asking me but I don’t discuss my private life at school”.
Just tell them. They are just trying to get to know you.
Not really. Some pupils really do care about you and do want to get to know you. Most pupils are just being curious. Some pupils want to have the bragging rights of having found out from you directly, which affords them the ability to flex when they share the information with their peers.
Regardless of the intent the answer should always be the same.
Those that really care may view you as their friend so it’s natural that they would ask their friend personal questions. You must always remember though that you are not and will never be their friend. You should of course be friendly and caring but this does not mean sharing personal information.
Children that need a teacher as a friend are probably struggling with not having peers as friends or see you as a trusted adult maybe because they do not have that at home. You will have had safeguarding training regarding what to look out for and how to report it should you have any concerns – it is always better to err on the side of caution, if you think it might need to be reported, definitely report it.
They just want to know your age. Why does that have to be so private?
There will always be a follow up question. They will keep going until you tap out. Part of being professional is maintain the distance between yourself and the pupils. They should not feel like they have the right to know anything at all about you. It is possible to have a great relationship with pupils without sharing your place of birth, star sign and retirement plans.
Harsh? Maybe.
Seriously though. What are they going to do with any information you share about your trip to the gym, favourite films, number of cats? Your intention should be to forge strong bonds of mutual respect so they “know” you outside of the classroom. They are children and you are an adult who does grown up stuff – don’t share grown up stuff with children.
Let’s get back to basics and remind ourselves that you’re a professional with a responsibility of care. You are there to educate them and teach them how to be responsible members of society. You can be friendly but don’t share your private life. Remember, they are not your friends.
But my private life is my life, nothing to do with school
Yes. But definitely no. I actively choose to always work in schools nowhere near where I live. Luckily that is easy to do living and working in London. I don’t want to come across pupils in the street/ supermarket/ park while I’m enjoy some downtime. It then becomes a game of “will we pretend we haven’t seen each other” or “will we have an awkward two minute non-conversation” (don’t worry they will be more mortified than you).
Some teachers actively live near the school they work in and they love to see the pupils and their parents around and about. That’s great for them. They are less protective of their privacy and don’t see any inevitable questions about their private life as intrusive.
The problem is that once you open that Pandora’s box then it can never be shut again. Once they have one piece of information, they will feel entitled to know more. This is even harder to counter if they themselves have shared personal information with you. It is up to you to decide on your boundaries in advance and then make sure they are not crossed.
What about my socials?
Especially your socials. Your school will get you to sign on to a bunch of policies at the start of the year. Most schools are now explicit about what is permitted regarding communication with pupils and parents outside school that is not via the schools email / Teams / SharePoint (or equivalent).
Some good advice I got from my first school was to hide away all your social media pages, for example, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, Snapchat – make your profile pictures unrecognisable, remove your surname from your profile, and enable all the privacy controls so any new friend requests can be vetted to ensure that they are people you know. Remember that mum and dad might be curious cats with different surnames to the pupils.
I have had pupils in two different schools tell me that their parents had found me on Instagram (luckily, it’s an old one from six years ago with only two boring posts but I’ve forgotten the password). Protect your privacy. Make sure that your private life remains that way.
So am I supposed to shout them down when they ask me anything?
No, that would not be friendly. Tell them that you’d be happy to discuss it at the end of the lesson. This stops you from batting off their questions during valuable teaching time. Their queries will become louder and more insistent – especially if they can see that you are not comfortable with the questions.
Some of the queries will be innocent, other’s will be downright rude and inappropriate, those need to be sanctioned in line with your school’s policy on behaviour.
They will most likely not come to see you at the end of the lesson to have their personal questions answered. If they do, then thank them for being interested but tell them that you do not discuss your private life at school. Any follow up questions from them can have the same answer. If they become belligerent and rude then of course follow the policy on behaviour.
Remember that it is up to you to decide if you are comfortable sharing your age / where you live / if you are married etcetera etcetera, they are not entitled to know.
So I can’t say anything then?
I didn’t say that. Remember to be friendly. On a tour of the school with a new cohort once I noticed that one of the girls was humming Dynamite by BTS she was blown away that I knew it and after that I was always asking her about what music she was listening to.
In a line up for assembly once I noticed a boy had a pencil case of my favourite football team. Every time I saw him after that I got him to give me an update on how we were doing.
You get the gist.
When you are walking around the school make it a point to say hi to every student you walk past. Make sure you say their name too, they love to be acknowledged. If you are approached by a pupil and they clearly want to talk to you but seem shy, you will get a response from one of these questions:
- How is you day going?
- What lesson do you have next?
- Are you joining any school clubs this year?
The questions are open ended enough to afford you a follow up question regardless of what they reply. They are also closed enough to allow them to give you a one-word answer. You can also then tell them your answers to these questions, and they will feel like you are connecting with them.
What if I let something slip?
Don’t beat yourself up. It is a tricky balance to find. There are so many things that need to be negotiated and considered on a daily basis you’re allowed to give yourself a break. Protect your privacy fiercely. Don’t let yourself find out the hard way why you must always be friendly but can never be friends.
